Its time for an update.

Still surviving the bullshit of living here. Ready to leave!!!

Boys: It died down. Though I will be going on a date tomorrow with B. He told me to not worry about anything and let him take care of it. YEAH RIGHT! that’s if we ever leave his bedroom =X hahaha. 

Things with us are just going with the flow. Not expecting anything at this point. I’m more worried about what I’m going to do with my life and getting this weight off.

He still talks about us moving in together…we will have to see on that one.

Weight: STALLING. I’m just stuck between 180-185. I’m not pushing myself hard enough…I seriously need a workout buddy or something. I’ve changed my ideal weight to 160-165. I know that I will have to deal with cosmetic surgery soon. Definitely will do the arms and boobs first. WHEN? i don’t know…I just know I need it.

Family: they’re all alive. The 18 year old is graduating from high school soon and the 15 year old is starting to drive. The 21 year old is going through a crisis with career of choice and the 24 year old is…..figuring things out. I feel bad that my parents don’t have a child that is ‘going somewhere’. oh and with the parents…not even going to get into it. MUST LEAVE THEM SOON!

Other than that…same ole same ole. I gotta get my shit together and get the hell out of here..first agenda..main agenda. I miss my friends, i miss my family, i miss home. 

we facetime last night….and as my phone goes off from notifications.

All he could say was “tell them boys to stop texting you.”

LOL! when really, it was just my games notifications. 

…… I need to accept that if he and I are potentially heading into a direction, I need to let go of my insecurities as should he.

Its a working progress…I will get to where I want to be ALL ON MY OWN.

we face time the other night…

i just randomly told him if he goes out…make sure he wrap it up. 

“Why would I? I’m waiting for you.”

I feel like its too good to be true….

He started to talk about us living together…he even stated that if I don’t want to wait, he’ll help me find a place and once his lease is up…he’ll come live with me.

Of course with me…I’ll end up saying “If it even last to that point.”

Shockingly enough.

“It will, I’ll make sure of it.” he responded.

Am I too scared to let him back in or something? idk….maybe when it gets closer? 

Fact is…he’s able to make me feel something that I can’t find anywhere else. Why am i thinking the worst….hell, why am i even thinking!

we had our first argument since this ‘new’ ordeal began. I’m not sure but it drained both of us out. I feel bad and so does he…

It started off with an misunderstanding…

I noticed that we both have changed greatly on how we argue. I no longer play games and act childish…he no longer runs off but he holds me and apologizes.

I don’t know why I kept crying….but he knew. I felt bad because of my tears, he started to beat himself up for everything in the past. I once did not bring up anything of the past. 

we both agreed that when it comes to doing things….we just have to tell each other what we want exactly. no more expecting…sometimes, you just forget

dating back then is different…dating now is definitelyyyy different.

i’ve never been so intrigued about an argument. the fuck is wrong with me? lol

he calls me to play the guitar..he’s been practicing again. He wants to get better so we can jam together. We facetime while he was in the room with all his friends. It was the CUTEST THING EVER! 

“I’m falling for you all over again”

….i am too.

I can’t even begin to describe how each time I see him…it just gets better and better.
he’s starting to go abide by the ‘actions speaks louder than words’
holding me from behind while I’m cooking or just sitting there…flirting playfully…holding my hand and massaging my body.
All he kept mentioning was how he can’t wait for me to come home.
He absolutely loves my new spirit and how I am still myself.
I think we’re falling in love with each other again.
We went to a cafe shop and played ‘speed’. OMG, it was so much fun! He took my new phone and starting going paparazzi…he took a bunch of pictures of us.
Probably the most memorable moment. Laying out by the pool…
We laid out and there was a light breeze that day. It was so relaxing! It was also the first time I got in my bathing suit…since last summer. <3
He had his tshirt covering his face and I had my hat covering mine. I suddenly felt his hand grab mines and we just had our hands in the air for a good while. It was like it was a natural feeling.

so late last night…around 2am. He calls me to talk about our weekend together. We started the topic of sex.

We are no porn stars..lol. I’m not the greatest and he isn’t either. PRACTICE TRULY DOES MAKE PERFECT. We finally asked each other ‘what is it that you love in bed?’

I’ve lost a lot of weight…so A LOT of stuff I couldn’t do back then, I could surely do now.

We told each other what we wanted…not going to lie..its quite nice to know that we can just ask each other.

Clearly we are both insecure about our bodies…its a working progress. I think now, I’m even more excited to see him. Not because of sex…but because of being able to just say it and not play games and shit. 

Are we growing up?

yes.

He told me this and is 1000% on the money.

“I think your current life situation work…. living at home…is detrimental to your WL…If you were on your own, it would be soo much easier on you…I mean customers bring you shit all the time….and your working too much the stress all of it stall your WL….I wish you would get on your own babe…seriously…it would be sooo much better for you …in sooo many ways…I know it is not a good time….now ..it never is…I just want you to do what is best for you babe….time to take care of you! I want you to be happy…and get to where you want to be in life…ya know?”

I know that stalls do occur…but there are reasons as to why it last long as well. It’s always other things that come at you with out you even realizing. I’m back on track…but man is it hard. I miss having friends, having a social life, having anything BUT this. More than ever…I am ready to leave.

Counting down is hard enough…I’m ready for the next chapter in my life.

with guys.

guy #1: sweet, haven’t met yet, we’re so much alike, yet he doesn’t live anywhere near here..and wants to drive down to see me. We have this attraction..on many levels. A fellow WLSer…

guy#2: super sweet, is going through some tough times right now….and he’s leaning on me..yet is thinking of me while he goes through these tough times.

guy#3: adores me…he reoccurs..but he’s doing his own thing. I’m not even mad.

guy#4: a friend whom went through a rough breakup. Yet he decides to ask me out on a date for when I move back. (wtf?)

guy#5: blake

I woke up this morning and all 5 guys texted me….trying my best not to mix shit up. I’m not sure how to handle this shit…clearly I turned down guy #4. We are friends…he knows B and i know his ex. NO WAY! guy#3: adore his ass..but yeah, we don’t live near each other…we’re friends who just want to sleep with each other..hahaha

guy #1 and #2…idk right now

and then there’s B. The one that isn’t up to par with me yet. Yet he is the main one….my insecurities and impurities with him are still there…they’re not as strong as they use to be…but THOSE FEELINGS ARE STILL THERE.

ah, otoke….

I had an amazing weekend with him…..BUT there are mixed feelings still.

He took me out…showed me off…showered me, spoiled me, cooked for me.

We went to our favorite restaurants…he even took me out to places that might be ‘sleeve’ friendly, WHICH WAS SO SWEET! Made me breakfast every morning…

He gave me sweet kisses, opened the doors for me, carried my bags, and made sweet ass love to me.

He has changed

the only mixed feeling: I need more.

I do deserve better….if not the best. I need the best!

The night I went out to hang out with friends…he texted me telling me that he is also going out and that he’ll call me when he gets home. It was actually quite of a  surprised….he hasn’t done that in a very long time…to simply inform me of his whereabouts. I miss that……

I do notice a lot of improvement in almost everything.

Even when I pulled up to my driveway back in texas….HE called to make sure that I got home okay. The little things…

Somehow, during one of the nights….the boys were over. There were talks about him moving out after his lease ended…..I’m not sure what happened (since i wasn’t out there) but when he came into the room…he has a grin on his face.

He still wants us to move in together…Its just scary because that is a long way from now…I can’t get my hopes up.

For now, I will just have to see what happens. I got my own thing going on here…getting back on track. PUSHING FORWARD all the way.

The first night I arrived…he picked me up and brought me into the room. We laid in his bed caressing each other…smelling, kissing, holding each other. We just wrapped ourselves in each other’s arm. All he could say was “I want to be able to do this with you everyday.” My heart melted..because I’ve never heard him say anything like that. I genuinely felt him wanting this…. 

I think that best thing overall for me…is seeing myself in a more comfortable light. I put on lingerie and felt sexy (minus skin)…I was able to ‘last’ longer with positions and stamina. I was energetic…so energetic that he couldn’t keep up. I think he’s still stunned by that. I’m more open to PDA…I’m just altogether happier with myself. Instead of getting weird looks of a fat chick with a skinny guy, its more of ‘damn, he’s lucky’

I think his friends were intrigued by me…how i can cook, play rockband, and just be cool and chill.

Not going to lie..i miss him right now.

we shall seeeee.